I'm taking a quick break from pretending I know stuff about being a mom to demonstrate that I really know stuff about being a wife.
You see, as a general rule, men are forgetful. It can be annoying. More than annoying, really. Basically, the only way to avoid the desire to punch your husband in the face every time he forgets something, is to capitalize on that sh*t.
I suppose if your wife is forgetful, one could use the following ideas on one's wife. But, if you are a man with a forgetful wife, chances are you're actually just a man who forgot that his wife has a great memory.
Now, the degree to which you can practice the following is directly tied to just how forgetful your husband is. I do all of these things nearly every day.
Also, you really have to sell it every time, or else he will start to get suspicious. Unless he's oblivious in addition to forgetful.
If you do it right, you can enjoy the following life improvements almost immediately:
1. Never again watch a movie you don't want to see.
Just tell him you've already seen it. This works particularly well for us, because we don't have cable and our antenna only gets one channel, so we watch the hell out of Netflix.
The key to success with this one is mixing it up. Here are some responses that have worked for me:
Simply and definitively, We've seen that already.
I think we've seen that one... What was it about? (Pause to let him read just a few words.) Emphatically, Oh yea. Yup.
That sounds familiar, who's in it? (Pause to let him name an actor.) I'm pretty sure we've seen that one. (This works best when there's a well-known actor in it.)
Oh we watched that one awhile ago, it was alright, but not good enough to watch again.
Oh that one was stupid, I think you were asleep.
You have to know your husband to know how often you can get away with this. I do it all the time because Ryan very frequently really does suggest titles we've seen already. Since it's often legitimate, sometimes his memory sparks, and he realizes it. So, he'd really never think to question me. I mean, he's even come home from the grocery store all excited to watch a movie that we've already gotten from Red Box. Seriously. The Campaign with Zack Galifinakis and Will Ferrell? How do you forget you saw that?
2. Never hear another long-winded story from his past.
Does your husband do this, too? Tells you stories from his glory days, usually at least seven times? Or is it just because mine is 12 years older than me and feels like he needs to justify his age with tales of excitement from long, long ago? The thing is that a lot of them are interesting the first time. A 720-POUND TUNA?? But, everyone knows that the third time you tell a story, you inescapably make it boring. I know you caught a 720-pound tuna, Ryan. I caught a fish once, too.
At a certain point in your marriage, you have officially heard all the interesting stories. And then there are the ones that might be new, but aren't even close to interesting. So, you'd rather just not hear any stories, to be honest. It's okay, your husband can't hear what you're thinking. This is a safe place. So let's get to work.
Managing this requires some finesse. You have to lay the groundwork when he starts telling a story you've actually already heard. You have to develop a consistent reaction every time he begins a familiar tale, I had the best mac and cheese ever in Aspen... I'd finish my runs for the day and go to this restaurant at the bottom-- (I've heard about Aspen's mac and cheese like nine times, which sounds like an exaggeration, but if anything, is an understatement.)
I have this look, it's like a frozen half-eye-roll. He got the message quickly, and started asking, Oh, have I told you this already? So, then I'd say yes, and recite back a few details. Eventually, I started making the same expression when I really wasn't quite sure whether I had heard the story he was about to tell or one that was close enough that I just didn't want to listen, at which point I simply dropped the detail recitation.
But, it's important to still let him tell a few stories here and there. I try to let this happen whenever I have something that I've been meaning to think about and figure out, because I find that my "thinking" facial expression looks a lot like my "interested" facial expression, as long as I make sure to keep eye contact. If you let the eye contact go, it's all over. He will know you're not listening.
In any event, I'm sure one day Ryan will start to catch on and start to tell me a fake story, so I try to pay particular attention to any glimmer in his eye that might indicate he's trying to trick me. I don't know how crafty your husband is, but you should probably look out for that, too.
3. Never get blamed for dropping the ball.
Forget to tell your husband that you guys have to drive two hours tomorrow to go have lunch with your grandmother? No you didn't! He simply forgot that you already told him.
I'm sure you've already tried this. I mean, it's so obvious. But, if it didn't work, either your husband's memory isn't bad enough, and I don't feel bad for you, or, possibly, you just need to try a little harder.
First, make sure you also "forget" to tell him good news on occasion. It's triple pay check month? I told you three times already! You were supposed to decide how you want to celebrate! Get it?
Second, act like he already gave you grief for it. Well if I didn't tell you last Wednesday, why did you huff about it? You get it.
4. Get what you want for dinner. (Kind of.)
This one really only works if what you want is burritos, and your husband is almost always subconsciously craving burritos.
What should we do for dinner?
I thought you said you felt like burritos.
Oh yeah! Let's get burritos.
That may never be useful to you, but I pull that one out at least once or twice a month.
5. Trick him into agreeing with you on almost any subject.
This one is fairly amazing, but I would caution that it shouldn't be used as frequently as some of the above tactics.
All you do is back off completely and pretend that you agree with him. Then later, say, I know we think (insert whatever you pretended to agree on), but, like you said before, (insert something that supports your point), and the more I think about it, maybe (insert whatever you thought in the first place).
Nope, he never said that thing you said he said. But he doesn't know that. He forgot.
And, now that it came from "him" and not you, he won't argue with it.
I know we said we should get racks on the Jeep before getting a new camera, but like you said before, Fin's growing fast and we'll want good pictures of every stage, and the more I think about it, maybe we really should get the camera first.
Yes, now, on the Casper family list of upcoming major purchases, a Canon EOS Rebel T4i does come before the Jeep rack system Ryan wants.
The important skill here is in knowing for how long you need to pretend to agree with him. Sometimes, you have to wait days. Yes, you have to pretend he's right when you know he's wrong, for days. Hopefully your disagreement isn't over a time-sensitive topic, because sometimes that's an unworkable situation. But, when I'm in a pinch, if I'm feeling lucky, and Ryan's been particularly forgetful, and I know that he truly knows less than nothing on the issue, I'll go for the retroactive, Well, I think it's like what you said last week...
I say that this works on almost any subject, because this is destined to fail with whatever subject(s) your husband is really an expert on. Ryan, for example, has a few deep skill sets: surfing, fishing, mostly all ocean-related things really, emergency medicine, carpentry, cars. Now, I'm no marriage counselor (as you can probably tell), but it's very important to acknowledge when your partner knows more than you do.
There you have it. I hope this saves some other husbands from face punches as it has saved mine. XO.
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