To My Son: Do NOT Respect Your Elders. (Lest you become a Nazi.)

That's right. SUCK IT, curmudgeons.

Seriously. Have you interacted with adults lately? Because I have. And a great many of them do not exhibit any characteristics I think deserve respect.

I'm not just talking about the adults who are murderers, sexual deviants, politicians, and other ostensibly untrustworthy folks.

I'm talking about normal adults. Egocentric, environmentally abusive, and materialistic. Maybe not most of them. I sure hope not MOST of them. But a lot of them. A LOT. Probably most.

I commute with them, they're our clients at work, I see them in the grocery store.

I have absolutely no reason to respect them, except in the sense that they are fellow humans, which is certainly worth something. But, children are also humans.

And children happen to be innocent, curious, and genuine humans. THOSE are qualities I respect.

If I ask myself what possible reason there is to respect grumpy, jerk hole adults over sweet, energetic children, I can think of only one. Because adults are in control, and they say so.

Eff that. Hard. It is so transparently wrong and self-serving that it makes my heart pound and my Irish skin turn red.

Because I don't see much morality here on adult street. Now, I don't think our species is a lost cause or anything. I mean, I saw the Buzzfeed that will restore your faith in humanity. And this one, too.

But, if we need our faith restored, that's a pretty good indication that something shook our faith in the first place. Something like valuing money, power, and things WAY too much. And something like valuing the earth and fellow humans not NEARLY enough.

I'm not teaching my kid to respect adults with values like those.

Because that's how you get Nazis.

Sounds crazy? If only.

Hitler didn't inject his subordinates with genocide juice. He capitalized on an allegiance to obedience. And obedience is little more than respect for authority. And if we tell our kids to respect all adults BECAUSE ADULTS, that doesn't help them distinguish authority that should be obeyed from authority that should not.

And if they don't learn to make that distinction, they might end up like Adolf Eichmann, the Nazi in charge of expediting death, the average guy who had a normal family life and was declared sane by six psychologists at trial. Or like Rudolf Hoss, commandant of Auschwitz, who had a similar upbringing. They and a lot of Germans were students of obedience-centric indoctrination, at home, in school, at church.

Yes. Nazis were regular people who valued obedience more than anything else. And then sh*t got crazy. And so did they.

Scary, yes? Stanley Milgram thought so, too. And so he tried to prove that Americans were different from Germans. And he found that we weren't so much.

And before you lunatics accuse me of defending Nazis, I'm not. I'm not responsible for judging them or anyone else, but I'm a big fan of accountability. And that's precisely why this is so important to me.

I'm not saying that every obedient kid will fail to recognize evil and to slam on the brakes. But, I am saying that there is an inherent danger in emphasizing obedience. And, I am saying that obedience is a shortcut, easier and more concrete than cultivating morality in your child. And, I am saying that you should invest the time and trust in cultivating morality instead.

Look, no one saw Hitler coming. So, just in case.

Finley, I know you have a good heart. You will know right and wrong. That is enough.

You do not always need to be obedient. Just considerate. And loving. That is enough.

You do not need to give your elders more respect than any other life. Like a plant. That is enough.

Merry Holidays: 3 Things I Must Say on November 6th.

I can't take another year's worth of yammering about whether it's Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. It hurts my brain so much. This is your classic ain't-nobody-got-time-for-that scene, as tired as I am of that whole cray-craze.

Let's get real. Holiday season is hardcore. You should either be risking your life on the hunt for inhumane deals at 4am or stocking up on mason jars and busting the sh*t out of homemade gifts. You should either be assembling your faux tree and lighting your pine-scented candle or wrestling a real one up as your dog licks the sap off your bod. You should be pinning one thousand cookie recipes, eighty-six ideas for table settings even though you're not hosting, and at least twelve disappointing lists claiming to offer ideas for man-stocking stuffers.

Bottom line, there's a sh*t ton to do, and OH, it's THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. So effing stop with all those IT'S NOT HOLIDAYS IT'S CHRISTMAS AND I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA NOW DADDY memes. Cuz I'm about to lose my sh*t. In fact, here it goes. In the form of a list. Obviously.

1. You serious, Christian?

What the f*ckity f*ck would Jesus really say in response to your b*tching about what to call the celebration of love surrounding his birthday?

Granted, He probably wouldn't say "f*ckity f*ck", and I'm not absurd enough to offer a precise guess. But if there's one thing I got out of ten years of Catechism other than ten years worth of cookies and juice, it's that He wants us to love even hoes like our bros. That's just how it goes.

If you're restricting your seasonal love to fellow Christians only, you're doing it wrong.

2. You're kind of an idiot if you wish someone a happy birthday on YOUR birthday.

Try to follow the analogy. Because you really shouldn't wish people happy birthday on your birthday INSTEAD OF on their birthdays. That is selfish and lame.

Know what else is selfish and lame?

Yes. Thinking that the only people celebrating something during what happens to be the Christmas season are Christians.

Is it really that gosh darn unthinkable that other holidays exist and that people celebrate them and that other people want to wish them pleasant celebrations?

3. Say whatever the efferoo you wanna say, and leave that shizz at that.

Regardless of the above number two, you aren't the government or the stores or the who or whatever else that has decided to embrace all holidays over the one and only Christmas. So if you want to keep on focusing on your holiday of choice, if the fact that you're in the majority motivates you to focus on the majority and ignore the rest, just do your thang and shut the bejesus uuuup.

The most eye-burning, ear-bleeding loathsome conduct ever? When people who are in the majority cry discrimination for no reason. I'm not saying it can't happen, but that's tricky water. And probably the worst thing you can do for your boat is to start lamenting over what bullsh*t it is that other people are celebrating holidays around the same time as your holiday.

I say all this with love. I mean, I'm not particularly thick-skinned, and I'm a Christmas-obSESSed Christian. And I just couldn't give less f*cks how anyone else phrases their holiday greetings. So I think if you really try, you can get the eff over it. Just try.

I know, I pretend to write a parenting blog. So, let me tie this into parenting: I don't want my kid to be a self-centered, closed-minded jerk hole. The end.