I can't take another year's worth of yammering about whether it's Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. It hurts my brain so much. This is your classic ain't-nobody-got-time-for-that scene, as tired as I am of that whole cray-craze.
Let's get real. Holiday season is hardcore. You should either be risking your life on the hunt for inhumane deals at 4am or stocking up on mason jars and busting the sh*t out of homemade gifts. You should either be assembling your faux tree and lighting your pine-scented candle or wrestling a real one up as your dog licks the sap off your bod. You should be pinning one thousand cookie recipes, eighty-six ideas for table settings even though you're not hosting, and at least twelve disappointing lists claiming to offer ideas for man-stocking stuffers.
Bottom line, there's a sh*t ton to do, and OH, it's THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. So effing stop with all those IT'S NOT HOLIDAYS IT'S CHRISTMAS AND I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA NOW DADDY memes. Cuz I'm about to lose my sh*t. In fact, here it goes. In the form of a list. Obviously.
1. You serious, Christian?
What the f*ckity f*ck would Jesus really say in response to your b*tching about what to call the celebration of love surrounding his birthday?
Granted, He probably wouldn't say "f*ckity f*ck", and I'm not absurd enough to offer a precise guess. But if there's one thing I got out of ten years of Catechism other than ten years worth of cookies and juice, it's that He wants us to love even hoes like our bros. That's just how it goes.
If you're restricting your seasonal love to fellow Christians only, you're doing it wrong.
2. You're kind of an idiot if you wish someone a happy birthday on YOUR birthday.
Try to follow the analogy. Because you really shouldn't wish people happy birthday on your birthday INSTEAD OF on their birthdays. That is selfish and lame.
Know what else is selfish and lame?
Yes. Thinking that the only people celebrating something during what happens to be the Christmas season are Christians.
Is it really that gosh darn unthinkable that other holidays exist and that people celebrate them and that other people want to wish them pleasant celebrations?
3. Say whatever the efferoo you wanna say, and leave that shizz at that.
Regardless of the above number two, you aren't the government or the stores or the who or whatever else that has decided to embrace all holidays over the one and only Christmas. So if you want to keep on focusing on your holiday of choice, if the fact that you're in the majority motivates you to focus on the majority and ignore the rest, just do your thang and shut the bejesus uuuup.
The most eye-burning, ear-bleeding loathsome conduct ever? When people who are in the majority cry discrimination for no reason. I'm not saying it can't happen, but that's tricky water. And probably the worst thing you can do for your boat is to start lamenting over what bullsh*t it is that other people are celebrating holidays around the same time as your holiday.
I say all this with love. I mean, I'm not particularly thick-skinned, and I'm a Christmas-obSESSed Christian. And I just couldn't give less f*cks how anyone else phrases their holiday greetings. So I think if you really try, you can get the eff over it. Just try.
I know, I pretend to write a parenting blog. So, let me tie this into parenting: I don't want my kid to be a self-centered, closed-minded jerk hole. The end.
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