6+ Months of Attachment Parenting

I was holding our one month old baby, when my sister-in-law "jokingly" announced over FaceTime that I was "spoiling" him.

I probably come across as more sensitive than I am for using quotes around jokingly. But, even the thickest-skinned mothers would find "jokes" like that lame. It's just never funny to criticize a new mom. And can we all agree that if it's not funny, it doesn't count as a joke?

Either way, my sister-in-law is certainly not the only person with a fear of "spoiling" children. Some people are convinced that practices like co-sleeping and baby-wearing will cause a baby to become too dependent on a certain level of attention, involvement, or care. But, it doesn't seem like attention, involvement, and care are bad things. So, they call it "spoiling". Because "spoiling" sounds like something you should avoid doing.

But, my questions are who are "they", and why do they care so much about how I care for my child?

Is it because "they" don't want self-centered a-holes to take over the world? Because I can get on board with that. I don't like a-holes either. So much so, in fact, that I actually do plan to avoid "spoiling" my child. But, when I say "spoiling", I'm talking about material sh*t.

I have this Facebook friend from high school. Days after announcing that she and her husband were expecting a girl, she posted a bunch of pictures of one thousand brand new outfits that she bought for her. They were all adorable, for the record. But, more recently, she posted a picture of her three-ish month old in their bed, and felt the need to add the disclaimer that NO! She doesn't sleep with us!!

If anyone cares, I actually like this girl. But, this seems remarkably backwards to me.

I think that giving a toddler too many THINGS is what spoils kids and turns them into jack wagon adults. I do not think that responding to a baby's needs turns them into the idiots who doddle in their little gang of five, taking up the whole sidewalk during rush hour, deaf to the phrase excuse me, and forcing me to step into oncoming traffic to make my train on time.

I think modeling is everything. If you want to teach your kid the importance of other people's needs, I think it makes a lot of sense to start your relationship by putting your child's needs first. I get why you're supposed to put your oxygen mask on first in the event of a plane crash, so if your postpartum experience feels like a plane crash, maybe you have no choice but to put your needs first. I get that. My mom was on anxiety medication for awhile when I was little. I get it.

But, if your postpartum life isn't a plane crash, my advice is: don't make it one. Because all this anxiety about "spoiling" babies can do that.

Part of me honestly believes that it's the baby product industry trying to scare moms away from allowing our babies to be dependent on us, because if they're not dependent on us, they're dependent on their swings, their mobiles, their security blankets. And all that sh*t just does not work as well. It makes your life harder.

When your baby cries unless you hold it, and you want to hold it, the last thing on your mind should be "spoiling" anxiety. Folding the clothes in a mad rush because you're not sure how long your baby will stay asleep after you put him down and deciding whether today is a day you shower may not seem easy. Because having an infant isn't easy. But trusting your instincts is a heck of a lot easier than trying to force a pissed off baby to be happy in a swing, although from what I hear, swings are fairly magical.

I know the fact that a baby needs a sh*tload of physical contact seems kind of nutty. Until you think about the fact that it had been living INSIDE of you for the entire nine months of its existence prior. And that it is, literally, in every way, completely dependent on you.

We readily accept that a baby's eyesight won't develop fully until six months, and we'll do sh*t like buy colorful books and toys to promote its eyesight. But, for some reason it's a challenge to believe that a baby is still developing brain chemicals that regulate emotions, and that physical contact literally creates those chemicals.

Whatever. Our kids can just live in a world populated by emotionally unstable jerk holes with good vision.

Because some people insist there's a difference between an infant's needs and an infant's wants. And they claim that babies cry not only when they need something, but also when they simply want something. Yikes. I will never believe that infants have mere preferences. These creatures can't even form a real thought. These things they "want" are dictated by instincts. Instinct: Science's word for BEST FOR SURVIVAL. Sounds a lot like a need.

I don't really think you'll permanently eff up your kid if you fail to meet a need to be held here or there. But, I do really think that crying is the only way babies communicate. Call it a need, call it a want, call it bacon. Whatever it is my baby wants to communicate, I want to encourage that communication. And the way to do that is by responding.

Dear parent complaining that your tweenager won't communicate with you, I think I know why.

I really don't want to judge how other people raise their kids. Because I downright loathe people who do that. I mean, if you love your kid, ten points for you. Ten million, even. But there are lots and lots of people who INSIST that prompt and constant responses, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing WILL cause spoiled, clingy, high maintenance behavior.

EFF THAT. I'm officially sick of this sh*t, and now that I have a pretty darn independent six month old, I can say it. In capital letters.

The real reason I'm so over it is because of my husband, who, at least partially, believed what all those f*ckers were saying about "spoiling" your baby.

I say partially, because we went through phases. Most recently, right before Finley could sit stably or move around well on his tummy, he did NOT want to be put down in his pack n play. We're talking bonkers. And not just Finley, my husband, too. Because that meant I had "spoiled" the baby. From now on, he would always have to be held.

It didn't mean that his brain was active and he needed more stimulation than a toy dangling over his face. No. It couldn't possibly mean that. It meant that he would want to be carried around until he was in high school.

Ryan and I argued about this kind of thing at least four times in Finley's six months. I would lose my sh*t every time, because I already emailed him 9,128 articles explaining that my constant contact with the baby was fulfilling a physiological need that would ultimately make him more independent.

Ryan would eventually get scared of me and stop arguing. And the next day, I would email him 832 more links. He'd pretend to read them, admit that he was wrong, and then a month or so later, we'd start over.

The very last thing I said in an argument was, Just wait until we get him a walker. Please shut up about this until then. I'm still trying to figure out why the eff we didn't order the walker sooner. Or whether I should have been more patient until he could walk on his own. Baby product industry conspiracy victim right here.

But it did solve my problem with my anxious husband. Just as I predicted, homeboy wants to be in his walker all the time. Until he gets tired, and then he wants to fall asleep in my arms or next to me.

Would he fall asleep if I left him on his own? I really don't know. And, I really, really don't care.

That's the awesome thing about ignoring all the horsesh*t anxiety. I will always help him to sleep, as long as he needs it. Pinterest told me that there are only like 940 Saturdays between your baby's birth and when s/he leaves for college. So, I will prioritize and enjoy every snuggle I can get.

5 Things You Will "Never Have Time For Again" with a Baby

When you're pregnant, once you get beyond the seven-too-many-doughnuts look, you will come across a subgroup of parents who have either developed psychic abilities, discovered time-travel, or are trying to feed you horsesh*t. They will tell you exactly how every part of your life from this point on is going to happen. From the epidural you're definitely going to need, to how much your teenagers are going to hate you.

Although I don't know how 15-year-old Finley will feel about me, I didn't get an epidural, so I'm reasonably sure it's the horsesh*t thing.

Really. The fact that no two lives are the same is completely lost on these propagandists. So, when they tell you that you're doomed to live a sleepless existence surrounded by filth alongside the spouse from whom you feel completely distant? Kick that f*cker in the shin.

Yes, your life will probably get busier once you have another human to care for. And what that means in practice VARIES. I don't know, you might end up sleepless and filthy and detached from your spouse. But I wouldn't go into parenthood with that expectation if I didn't have to. And no one has to.

Not only will your experience be different from others', it will be different every day, week, and month. I found it got easier fast. And honestly, I don't remember there ever being a point when we didn't have time for the following:

1. Cleaning the House.

Our baby is a happy guy, but he gets bored alone in his pack n play after anywhere between five and 20 minutes. I'll let him fuss a little, but I will not let him cry, so we no longer crush chores in one two-hour tag-team house cleaning event every Saturday morning. But, we never have dishes pile up, and we don't even have a dishwasher. I even get to clean the dogs' bowls every week. And I scrub our drying racks every week. We never have more than a basket worth of laundry waiting to be done. If you think I'm bragging...

The truth is that if we let Finley try to crawl around on the floor on a Wednesday, he'd be choking on dog hair, because he's still learning how to do it, and learning involves occasional face plants onto the carpet. We do vacuum and brush our dogs, but they are two of the hairiest beasts ever. So we figure once or twice a week is good enough, because otherwise it's like brushing your teeth while eating doughnuts, which kind of sounds delightful, but is mostly just silly.

But, the other truth is that I could probably vacuum after Fin's asleep instead of eating ice cream and scrolling through Pinterest. Parenthood. It's all about choices.

2. Personal Grooming.

I'll admit that I haven't had my hair cut in maybe a year, I put only mineral powder on my face on the train, and I wear yoga pants to my office job in downtown Boston more often than is acceptable, which would be technically never. But, that was equally true even before we conceived our boy. I do shower every day now, though, so, that's something.

BUT, I could easily get up a half hour earlier to try to look pretty. I could even go to sleep a half hour earlier at night to make up for it. But, my husband once made the mistake of telling me I look pretty without makeup. I haven't worn mascara since.

3. Marriage.

I don't know, we hang out every night after Fin goes to sleep. Usually we just stare at him and talk about how awesome he is, but that's serious quality bonding time if you ask me.

And we do every ordinary weekend errand as a family. Probably doesn't count as quality time, but I swear that stuff can be fun if you just decide to enjoy it. (This is why we never EVER go to Walmart, even though it would loosen up our budget.)

4. Exercise.

I'd be lying if I said I've used my jogging stroller even once. I don't know who I was kidding when I almost signed up for a Spartan Beast just over six months after my due date.

But, it is not that I don't have time for it. It would be embarrassingly easy for me to get out of bed an hour earlier than I do. I just don't want to. This is not a TOO BUSY issue, this is a TOO LAZY issue. A TOO COMFY issue. For now, I'll just pretending that walking a lot during the day counts.

5. Making Dinner.

I guess this is kind of a lie, because it's actually my very cool husband who makes dinner while I get Finley to sleep. And usually he doesn't even complain. My point is simply that it only takes one person to tend to the baby. If you have a spouse or any other help, that means one person is always free to tend to the household.

This might be a little unfair because my husband works for himself and I work for a non-profit, so we don't have the longest hours. But, we also don't have the biggest paychecks, if that makes you feel better.

And, speaking of big paychecks, I have a friend who has THREE housekeepers. (I really don't know how big her and her husband's paychecks are, but, if I had to guess...) Their baby is a couple months older than ours and started food a month before, and when she told me that there isn't time to do homemade baby food, I believed her. But, we don't even have one housekeeper and are finding homemade baby food to be no sweat.

Everyone's life is different.