Apparently the common knowledge that babies are born more helpless than other mammals because of the baby brain to mommy pelvis size ratio is not current science.
Science. Always pulling sh*t on us silly humans.
And science's real reason for helpless baby humans has yet to reveal itself to us. But there's a hypothesis out there that it's related to humans being cultural, that the baby human can absorb more culture early on this way.
I disagree with that hypothesis. I think that the real reason babies come out babies and not toddlers is because SH*T, TODDLERS? It's about the parents.
You know how it recently became trendy to call your toddler a jerk hole? I'm going to get controversial and reveal my far from professional opinion on this. Obviously this is applying adult standards of behavior to creatures that are not adults. So it's wrong in a basic way. But unless our toddlers are reading HuffPo, and as long as we don't call them turd buckets to their faces, maybe it's okay to call a spade a spade. Or in this case, to call an egocentric vortex of impressionability an egocentric vortex of impressionability.
And I mean exactly that. Those wee mutinists have underdeveloped brains and can and WILL be influenced by their surroundings. There's no way around it. We have to teach those creatures empathy, and their brains will get stronger.
I'm a realist. I accept that my monkey is going to do as I do, not as I say. I mean, apart from the cliche about monkeys, there's been precisely one sh*tload of science that proves this in the form of studies bearing the result that kids learn by example. So I deal with that.
True life, it sucks in at least several ways. On the other hand, it is the world's best motivator for self-improvement ever. But that's also what kind of sucks because that self-improvement sh*t? Ain't easy.
Have you ever tried to calm yourself down when you are SO EFFING P*SSED OFF? It doesn't just suck. It suuuucks. As obvious as it sounds that all humans want nothing more than to be happy always, it is straight up false. What I'd consider sane humans do want to be happy, true. But wanting nothing more than that? No.
I think if going from angry to happy required a finger snap, most people would be all aboard the happy train. But for some psychological reason that I know jack about, the transition requires significantly more work. And that is one beast of a deterrent.
During pregnancy and postpartumcy, my husband and I got into a handful of ridiculously exasperating arguments because hormones. Whether it's because I like him so much or because he's the king of irrelevant tangents, I loathe arguing with him. There is nothing I would rather not do. Burpees on broken glass? With GLEE.
But unless you're married to the jackwagoniest jackwagon around, there's a surefire way to end an argument. JUST STOP F*CKING ARGUING. Oh but good luck with that. It's chemicals, right? Chemicals in our brains that make it hard to stop arguing. F*cking chemicals.
But. One thing I've learned is that those f*cking chemicals CAN be overthrown. This is the self-improvement sh*t that I mentioned before, which if you'll recall, "ain't easy".
I'm not particularly knowledgeable in Buddhism or mindfulness of any sort, so you're way better off Googling techniques than using my methods which involved things like fleeing mid-argument to take a shower where I would chant in my head I CAN STOP ARGUING I CAN STOP ARGUING I CAN STOP ARGUING over all the other loud thoughts about how right I was and how wrong my husband was until the water turned cold at which point I would throw my body onto the bed where exhaustion would hold me captive against my desire to go resume the argument until sleep would finally quiet the crazy.
Okay. So then I get a baby who is not nearly as aware as a toddler and also cries because maybe I put him down for 38 seconds when he specifically wanted to be held for those 38 seconds.
This is a damn crash course in self-improvement. It starts off with an innocent baby who might irritate me, but only for eight seconds until I feel so guilty for feeling eight seconds of irritation that I do nothing but hug and kiss and apologize to my innocent baby for the rest of the week.
It escalates quickly from there. When my one year old is WAILING because I have the f*cking audacity to change his wetter than hell diaper, I feel a lot more than eight seconds of irritation before I feel guilty. Understandable, but also not ideal, and totally CHANGEABLE.
It's NOT EASY. But he's on the brink of toddlerdom whether I like it or not. He does in fact toddle, and he's understanding more and more words every day. So by the time he REALLY understands me in a few months, and starts to ACT HOW I ACT, I need to have my sh*t together.
I have precisely one trick at this point. I mean, I'll work on other tricks once I nail this one, but slow down please.
I started rereading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. The first chapterish is about how effective it is to validate your kids' feelings and NOT to console them away from their feelings. (Like really, if you were mid-fight with your husband who can't manage to so much as splash water around the sink to rinse his toothpaste down and also left his belt on the floor again (the buckle of which when stepped on hurts worse than the smallest of legos), and your mom appears and is all like, "Oh honey, don't be frustrated, it's not a big deal." Do you (a) Joyfully exclaim YOU'RE RIGHT THANKS MOM!, or (b) Kick her in the shin?)
So. When Finley's doing his signature back-arch-stiff-body maneuver to escape my loving arms at bedtime, all the while screaming in my ear with the occasional elbow to the boob, you can probably imagine what my initial urge to do is. But now. I've taken to saying, "You're so mad! You don't want to go to sleep! You want to stay up and play! I understand! Tell me more about how you feel honey!"
I'M NOT KIDDING YOU, THAT RIDICULOUS SH*T WORKS. The words are like tiny wizards, shoving empathy straight down your throat and into your soul. And magic of all magic, when the kid keeps screaming, well now he's OBEYING me, because I told him to tell me all about it. And for this, I am happier. Even if he doesn't fall sleep faster, I'm f*cking happier. BUT THEN HE DOES FALL ASLEEP FASTER. I SH*T YOU NOT. HE DOES.
Empathy. Patience. Wizardry.
I'm all about letting kids be kids and giving the old EFF YOU MOTHERFUDGER to any adults who forgot that they too were once kids and are utterly convinced that their parents literally beat human goodness into them under only the most loving authoritarian regime and yet they can't even tolerate the sight of a child running and yelling in public. In PUBLIC. CoughEMPATHYthroatclearPATIENCE. You know what I mean?
Anyway. I TOTALLY get why it's all trendy to admit that your kids p*ss you off. And I think that's a REALLY REALLY GOOD AND TOTALLY NECESSARY place to start. But I think what we should START is self-improvement so we can model good humanness for them. Not a penal system that will be as frustrating for you as it is for them and at best will result in robots anyway. And hey, robots are great if all you want is obedience. But if you want to raise good humans, you have to act like a good human. It's not easy, but it gets easier, and it's rewarding, and it works.
