KIDS DON'T NEED LIMITS. You heard me.

Okay, they need DON'T PLAY WITH KNIVES limits. I'm not talking about safety limits. I'm not an idiot.

That said, my money's on close to 90% of people still thinking that I AM an idiot. NO WAY THIS LADY HAS A DEGREE IN CHILD PSYCHOLOGY.

You're right. I don't. But I have something way better: MEMORY.

Having my memory is better than having a degree for the following reason. Child psychology is like literally every other ology. There is never one answer and there are always two schools of thought. I wish I realized that sooner.

Back before I had a kid, I used to watch Supernanny every Friday night with my then-pregnant sister. This tradition had me convinced that I should not follow in my sister's pregnant footsteps because TIMEOUT? Like ENFORCE it? And MAKE a reward chart? With my HANDS? Remember to USE it? CONSISTENTLY? Not my thang.

Being single at the time, I wasn't too worried about what a terrible parent I'd make right then and there. But I did make mental notes in case I ever I met a nice guy with whom I wanted to make a baby.

I quickly forgot everything Supernanny taught me, time passed, I met my husband, and then we decided we could raise a human. At some point, I got a Supernanny flashback, and thought DAMN. I still don't know how not to raise a jerk. I better figure that sh*t out.

But then, I found a blog post that linked to an article, which led me to buy a book. And that book petted me on the head and told me it would be okay and that Supernanny was full of sh*t.

That book was Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. It said that there was an alternative to the rewards/punishment model, and it was good. And that was about all I needed to hear because I'd never be consistent enough for that sh*t anyway. But, talking to and engaging my kid? Well that sounded downright familiar.

As a kid, I never encountered timeout or saw a reward chart. And since I was a REALLY well-behaved kid, everything Alfie said made some hardcore sense to me.

BUT. Everywhere you look on the internets, it's like CONTROL YOUR HEATHENS. RULES. TIMEOUTS. LIMITS. CHILDREN WITHOUT LIMITS SCARE THEMSELVES.

Limits. Wait. I didn't really encounter too many of those either. I mean, my parents told me not to do dangerous things, but I was perfectly happy not to hurt myself or anyone else, so they didn't have to enforce those. So. Was I scared as a kid?

Nooo. (And be real. Do you ever remember feeling fear when you were in a particularly wild or persistent mood as a child? Or did you feel excited and determined? That's what I thought.)

The very few times my parents gave me limits, it was the LIMITS that felt SCARY.

So I thank God that I was born to my mom and dad, who were usually open for negotiation. But the rare times that they weren't, I felt panic. Like being trapped or invisible. Literally helpless. No power, no input.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T SIT BEHIND THE DRIVER'S SEAT? WHY IS IT EMILY'S SEAT? SHE GETS IT EVERY DAY. WHY DON'T I GET A TURN? I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT TO SIT THERE BUT I DO. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT A REASON? THIS FIT I'M THROWING? THAT MEANS THIS IS IMPORTANT. WILL NOTHING MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Now, as a mom who has had no choice but to leave her 11-month old at daycare even on the days that he frowns when we start to leave, I know we sometimes don't have the option to do what our children prefer. And that's okay. But that's also exactly why explanation and negotiation are GIFTS to parenting.

Fortunately for me, Finley forgets about us before we're even out the door. But as for me, I did not take so easily to preschool.

I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT AT PRESCHOOL MOM. WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHY AREN'T MY WORDS WORKING? DO I HAVE TO SCREAM AND RUN OUT THE DOOR TOWARD THE ROAD? DONE. WHY IS YOUR CAR SO FAST? HOW DID THIS TEACHER CATCH ME? IS THAT PHONE ON THE WALL A TOY OR IS IT REAL? CAN I CALL DAD? I NEED DAD'S WORK NUMBER.

Three days later, negotiations began. Turned out there was a workable alternative to being forced out of my quiet home which I had peacefully enjoyed for the previous four years on a daily basis and thrown into the mutiny of 20 other kids with their power politics all up in my face first thing in the morning. I went relatively happily to a babysitter who had a daughter just younger than me, and that little girl happened to do whatever I told her to do. That was much more my speed. And the next year I went very happily off to kindergarten and never looked back. Crisis averted. Hear, hear: Negotiation.

I HOPE no one thinks that it's a smart idea NOT to offer kids an explanation when there really is no alternative. But, I DO know that some people think you shouldn't negotiate. I know. It's the experts who say that negotiation is the opposite of limits and limits make kids feel safe.

Yo experts, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but you're wrong. Because I remember what it was like firsthand. Feeling safe is the opposite of feeling helpless and powerless.

Alfie is far from the only expert who encourages parenting beyond rewards/punishments/limits. Now. Some experts (like this lady) talk about setting empathetic limits. Well. Semantics. Having empathetic limits means that you're taking as much input from your kid as you can, with health and safety in mind. That's negotiation. And I guess I just don't consider negotiation to be in the same realm as Supernanny-style limits.

So what I'm really saying is this: Please don't believe Supernanny-style experts just because it's easier for them to pimp their sh*t and because they yell louder than the pro-empathy experts. Yes, it's straightforward to tell you to demand obedience and depending on your kid's reaction, distribute either a timeout or gold star. But your kid is capable of more than obedience. He's capable of doing what's right not just because he'd otherwise have to sit on a stool for five minutes, but because it's RIGHT. Because you model what's RIGHT by modeling EMPATHY. That is, you took the time to get his input to reach a mutually agreeable solution. Because you showed him that his feelings matter. Because kids learn by example, not by demand.

If you're not convinced, that's cool. Maybe you're right. Maybe your kids can't handle their own power. Maybe they're more suited to be controlled by their superiors for their whole lives. Everyone's different. Genetics and all that. ;-)