6+ Months of Attachment Parenting

I was holding our one month old baby, when my sister-in-law "jokingly" announced over FaceTime that I was "spoiling" him.

I probably come across as more sensitive than I am for using quotes around jokingly. But, even the thickest-skinned mothers would find "jokes" like that lame. It's just never funny to criticize a new mom. And can we all agree that if it's not funny, it doesn't count as a joke?

Either way, my sister-in-law is certainly not the only person with a fear of "spoiling" children. Some people are convinced that practices like co-sleeping and baby-wearing will cause a baby to become too dependent on a certain level of attention, involvement, or care. But, it doesn't seem like attention, involvement, and care are bad things. So, they call it "spoiling". Because "spoiling" sounds like something you should avoid doing.

But, my questions are who are "they", and why do they care so much about how I care for my child?

Is it because "they" don't want self-centered a-holes to take over the world? Because I can get on board with that. I don't like a-holes either. So much so, in fact, that I actually do plan to avoid "spoiling" my child. But, when I say "spoiling", I'm talking about material sh*t.

I have this Facebook friend from high school. Days after announcing that she and her husband were expecting a girl, she posted a bunch of pictures of one thousand brand new outfits that she bought for her. They were all adorable, for the record. But, more recently, she posted a picture of her three-ish month old in their bed, and felt the need to add the disclaimer that NO! She doesn't sleep with us!!

If anyone cares, I actually like this girl. But, this seems remarkably backwards to me.

I think that giving a toddler too many THINGS is what spoils kids and turns them into jack wagon adults. I do not think that responding to a baby's needs turns them into the idiots who doddle in their little gang of five, taking up the whole sidewalk during rush hour, deaf to the phrase excuse me, and forcing me to step into oncoming traffic to make my train on time.

I think modeling is everything. If you want to teach your kid the importance of other people's needs, I think it makes a lot of sense to start your relationship by putting your child's needs first. I get why you're supposed to put your oxygen mask on first in the event of a plane crash, so if your postpartum experience feels like a plane crash, maybe you have no choice but to put your needs first. I get that. My mom was on anxiety medication for awhile when I was little. I get it.

But, if your postpartum life isn't a plane crash, my advice is: don't make it one. Because all this anxiety about "spoiling" babies can do that.

Part of me honestly believes that it's the baby product industry trying to scare moms away from allowing our babies to be dependent on us, because if they're not dependent on us, they're dependent on their swings, their mobiles, their security blankets. And all that sh*t just does not work as well. It makes your life harder.

When your baby cries unless you hold it, and you want to hold it, the last thing on your mind should be "spoiling" anxiety. Folding the clothes in a mad rush because you're not sure how long your baby will stay asleep after you put him down and deciding whether today is a day you shower may not seem easy. Because having an infant isn't easy. But trusting your instincts is a heck of a lot easier than trying to force a pissed off baby to be happy in a swing, although from what I hear, swings are fairly magical.

I know the fact that a baby needs a sh*tload of physical contact seems kind of nutty. Until you think about the fact that it had been living INSIDE of you for the entire nine months of its existence prior. And that it is, literally, in every way, completely dependent on you.

We readily accept that a baby's eyesight won't develop fully until six months, and we'll do sh*t like buy colorful books and toys to promote its eyesight. But, for some reason it's a challenge to believe that a baby is still developing brain chemicals that regulate emotions, and that physical contact literally creates those chemicals.

Whatever. Our kids can just live in a world populated by emotionally unstable jerk holes with good vision.

Because some people insist there's a difference between an infant's needs and an infant's wants. And they claim that babies cry not only when they need something, but also when they simply want something. Yikes. I will never believe that infants have mere preferences. These creatures can't even form a real thought. These things they "want" are dictated by instincts. Instinct: Science's word for BEST FOR SURVIVAL. Sounds a lot like a need.

I don't really think you'll permanently eff up your kid if you fail to meet a need to be held here or there. But, I do really think that crying is the only way babies communicate. Call it a need, call it a want, call it bacon. Whatever it is my baby wants to communicate, I want to encourage that communication. And the way to do that is by responding.

Dear parent complaining that your tweenager won't communicate with you, I think I know why.

I really don't want to judge how other people raise their kids. Because I downright loathe people who do that. I mean, if you love your kid, ten points for you. Ten million, even. But there are lots and lots of people who INSIST that prompt and constant responses, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing WILL cause spoiled, clingy, high maintenance behavior.

EFF THAT. I'm officially sick of this sh*t, and now that I have a pretty darn independent six month old, I can say it. In capital letters.

The real reason I'm so over it is because of my husband, who, at least partially, believed what all those f*ckers were saying about "spoiling" your baby.

I say partially, because we went through phases. Most recently, right before Finley could sit stably or move around well on his tummy, he did NOT want to be put down in his pack n play. We're talking bonkers. And not just Finley, my husband, too. Because that meant I had "spoiled" the baby. From now on, he would always have to be held.

It didn't mean that his brain was active and he needed more stimulation than a toy dangling over his face. No. It couldn't possibly mean that. It meant that he would want to be carried around until he was in high school.

Ryan and I argued about this kind of thing at least four times in Finley's six months. I would lose my sh*t every time, because I already emailed him 9,128 articles explaining that my constant contact with the baby was fulfilling a physiological need that would ultimately make him more independent.

Ryan would eventually get scared of me and stop arguing. And the next day, I would email him 832 more links. He'd pretend to read them, admit that he was wrong, and then a month or so later, we'd start over.

The very last thing I said in an argument was, Just wait until we get him a walker. Please shut up about this until then. I'm still trying to figure out why the eff we didn't order the walker sooner. Or whether I should have been more patient until he could walk on his own. Baby product industry conspiracy victim right here.

But it did solve my problem with my anxious husband. Just as I predicted, homeboy wants to be in his walker all the time. Until he gets tired, and then he wants to fall asleep in my arms or next to me.

Would he fall asleep if I left him on his own? I really don't know. And, I really, really don't care.

That's the awesome thing about ignoring all the horsesh*t anxiety. I will always help him to sleep, as long as he needs it. Pinterest told me that there are only like 940 Saturdays between your baby's birth and when s/he leaves for college. So, I will prioritize and enjoy every snuggle I can get.

5 Things You Will "Never Have Time For Again" with a Baby

When you're pregnant, once you get beyond the seven-too-many-doughnuts look, you will come across a subgroup of parents who have either developed psychic abilities, discovered time-travel, or are trying to feed you horsesh*t. They will tell you exactly how every part of your life from this point on is going to happen. From the epidural you're definitely going to need, to how much your teenagers are going to hate you.

Although I don't know how 15-year-old Finley will feel about me, I didn't get an epidural, so I'm reasonably sure it's the horsesh*t thing.

Really. The fact that no two lives are the same is completely lost on these propagandists. So, when they tell you that you're doomed to live a sleepless existence surrounded by filth alongside the spouse from whom you feel completely distant? Kick that f*cker in the shin.

Yes, your life will probably get busier once you have another human to care for. And what that means in practice VARIES. I don't know, you might end up sleepless and filthy and detached from your spouse. But I wouldn't go into parenthood with that expectation if I didn't have to. And no one has to.

Not only will your experience be different from others', it will be different every day, week, and month. I found it got easier fast. And honestly, I don't remember there ever being a point when we didn't have time for the following:

1. Cleaning the House.

Our baby is a happy guy, but he gets bored alone in his pack n play after anywhere between five and 20 minutes. I'll let him fuss a little, but I will not let him cry, so we no longer crush chores in one two-hour tag-team house cleaning event every Saturday morning. But, we never have dishes pile up, and we don't even have a dishwasher. I even get to clean the dogs' bowls every week. And I scrub our drying racks every week. We never have more than a basket worth of laundry waiting to be done. If you think I'm bragging...

The truth is that if we let Finley try to crawl around on the floor on a Wednesday, he'd be choking on dog hair, because he's still learning how to do it, and learning involves occasional face plants onto the carpet. We do vacuum and brush our dogs, but they are two of the hairiest beasts ever. So we figure once or twice a week is good enough, because otherwise it's like brushing your teeth while eating doughnuts, which kind of sounds delightful, but is mostly just silly.

But, the other truth is that I could probably vacuum after Fin's asleep instead of eating ice cream and scrolling through Pinterest. Parenthood. It's all about choices.

2. Personal Grooming.

I'll admit that I haven't had my hair cut in maybe a year, I put only mineral powder on my face on the train, and I wear yoga pants to my office job in downtown Boston more often than is acceptable, which would be technically never. But, that was equally true even before we conceived our boy. I do shower every day now, though, so, that's something.

BUT, I could easily get up a half hour earlier to try to look pretty. I could even go to sleep a half hour earlier at night to make up for it. But, my husband once made the mistake of telling me I look pretty without makeup. I haven't worn mascara since.

3. Marriage.

I don't know, we hang out every night after Fin goes to sleep. Usually we just stare at him and talk about how awesome he is, but that's serious quality bonding time if you ask me.

And we do every ordinary weekend errand as a family. Probably doesn't count as quality time, but I swear that stuff can be fun if you just decide to enjoy it. (This is why we never EVER go to Walmart, even though it would loosen up our budget.)

4. Exercise.

I'd be lying if I said I've used my jogging stroller even once. I don't know who I was kidding when I almost signed up for a Spartan Beast just over six months after my due date.

But, it is not that I don't have time for it. It would be embarrassingly easy for me to get out of bed an hour earlier than I do. I just don't want to. This is not a TOO BUSY issue, this is a TOO LAZY issue. A TOO COMFY issue. For now, I'll just pretending that walking a lot during the day counts.

5. Making Dinner.

I guess this is kind of a lie, because it's actually my very cool husband who makes dinner while I get Finley to sleep. And usually he doesn't even complain. My point is simply that it only takes one person to tend to the baby. If you have a spouse or any other help, that means one person is always free to tend to the household.

This might be a little unfair because my husband works for himself and I work for a non-profit, so we don't have the longest hours. But, we also don't have the biggest paychecks, if that makes you feel better.

And, speaking of big paychecks, I have a friend who has THREE housekeepers. (I really don't know how big her and her husband's paychecks are, but, if I had to guess...) Their baby is a couple months older than ours and started food a month before, and when she told me that there isn't time to do homemade baby food, I believed her. But, we don't even have one housekeeper and are finding homemade baby food to be no sweat.

Everyone's life is different.

3 Signs You're Over-Attachment-Parenting

Psych. I don't there's such a thing.

I do not like to put my five month-old down. Like, at all.

I am well aware that a lot of people think holding a baby too much can "spoil" him or her. Listen, you can put your kid down as much as you want. But whatever you do, don't accuse a mom of "spoiling" her baby unless you have substantial evidence that it causes harm.

And by evidence, I mean more than the panicked vague assertion I heard from my husband one day when he misinterpreted Finley's gas for clingy-ness.

You hold him too much, he's getting too used to it.

Really? So even though all the research says it makes them more independent in the long run--

I don't care what research says. Everyone says they'll get too attached.

Everyone does? So now that we're listening to "everyone" instead of research, can you name one specific person?

I don't need to. It's EVERYONE.

So out of EVERYONE, you cannot tell me one specific person's name, who held his or her child too much, and which child, upon learning to walk, still wanted to be held all the time?

I'm wrong and stupid and you are smart and always right. (This is what I chose to hear, because whatever he actually said was not a person's name.)

Here's the thing. I work, and I have a commute. I'm gone 11 hours a day. And my baby is on a good sleeping schedule. This means that I have, almost without fail, precisely two hours of awake time with my awesome kid on weekdays. All the weekdays. And on weekends, I have to clean, to my dismay, which means I have to put him down for a good chunk of both days. And this is how it's been since I went back to work when he was two months old. Mathematically, it makes sense not to put him down when I can hold him.

And here's the other thing. He's a wild man. I know what the odds are that he'll want to be held once he's mobile. Again, math is on my side. And you can't argue with math. Everyone knows that.

You know you're in the club if:

1. Your baby has ice cream on his leg.

My in-laws were in town from south Florida one recent weekend. As I ate a ginormous burger with my boy sleeping in my lap, head on my left arm, they looked at me as if I were eating the poop out of his diaper. All three of them were telling me to put him down. I'm not sure what they didn't understand. Two of my favorite things in the world right now are eating and holding my kid. When I get to do them at the same time, it's like being stampeded by puppies. And, I'm good at it. I actually managed to eat that half-pound of grass-fed goodness without anything falling on Fin-- not even a drop of cheese or avocado, which might be the only thing more amazing than the fact that it took me about five minutes to destroy. But, ice cream, which I prefer a little melt-y, is a different story. I've had to lick ice cream off him a few times. Maybe I just need more practice. Any excuse to eat more ice cream.

2. He's quiet when you put him down. Or he's not.

As often as I hold Fin, I know for a fact that he can play happily by himself. I also know that sometimes he doesn't want to, and he gets pissed off when he gets put in his pack n' play.

You might be tempted to panic, like my husband does, on those rare days that your baby has something going on and wants to be held. If that happens, just wait a day, maybe even a week, before you accuse your spouse of spoiling the baby. We had a really rough week or two just before he was a month old, when Fin was really gassy and really didn't want to be put down. Fortunately, my husband didn't dare say anything to me during that week. (He was still afraid of new mom hormones back then. Life was so much simpler.)

No matter how often he wants to be held as a baby, he won't be a baby forever. If you think a little boy is never going to leave mommy's side just because she held him whenever he wanted to be held as a baby, I think you're psychotic. That simple.

3. The back of his head is wicked round.

Most babies spend a lot of time on their backs, so if you carry your baby a lot, you might notice that he or she starts to look a little different. That is to say, more awesome.

My husband is 41 and has been surfing for decades, which is reason enough for him to idolize Kelly Slater, the 40 year-old surfer who holds like 11 or 12 world championships, and the record for both youngest and oldest world champion. And he is beautiful. One other thing about Kelly Slater is that he rocks a shaved head, so when Ryan realized his hair was starting to get a little thin in one area, he told me he wanted to shave his head "like Kelly Slater". The problem is, Ryan's head is not as beautifully round as Kelly Slater's, and would therefore look creepy and ugly. I didn't know how to put that gently, but apparently my blank stare sufficed. Ryan still has hair.

Attachment Parenting: Your beautifully round-skulled child will thank you one day.

4 Things I've Learned About Co-Sleeping

Disclaimer: Like everything I write, this is about my personal experience. I might try to sound as though you should find it worthwhile; I might even include links to legitimate science. But no, I don't think my way is for everyone. I have come to that conclusion based on the fact that not everyone wants to do it my way.

1. It doesn't mean your infant will die.

I know this because Finley is still alive. I was really banking on this, since, like a lot of moms, I would do anything to keep my baby alive.

I read things like this and this and this, and decided I could do it safely.

If you can't do it safely, it would probably be a bad idea for you.

2. It doesn't mean your infant will refuse to sleep alone.

Well, I haven't tried putting my boy down on his own for the night since the first night we got home and I was really tired and didn't yet have the co-sleeping logistics worked out.

But, I can tell you that you can put him down for a nap, and nap he will. Unless he has a burp, in which case he will go bonkers.

3. It does mean you'll get to sleep.

Finley had a fussy week-and-a-half around the end of his first month, and there were a few nights in that time that I could relate to the plight of the "every mom". Other than that, I would have to lie. Which I have done. It's really awkward to tell a frazzled fellow new mom that you get all the sleep you want and are never tired. That's not the best way to make friends. You get a reaction similar to what you'd get if you slapped a puppy in front of her.

Worse, try telling that to someone who has a vendetta against co-sleeping. Then it's like slapping a puppy and a kitten.

So, Finley goes to sleep around 7pm, wakes up to eat a couple times maybe, and is up for the day around 6am. I don't usually remember the feedings because it goes like this: Open Eyes; Flop; Suckle-Gulp (times a few); Un-Flop; Sleep.

If I have to pee, I change him too, but that doesn't happen every night. I assume that's okay because he doesn't get pissed off if I don't change him and we haven't experienced diaper rash yet.

4. It does mean people will judge you.

Um, because they're jealous. (See number 3.) No, I'm kidding. They might not be jealous, they might really think it's a poor decision.

The most common reaction I get to admitting that we co-sleep is a semi-contorted facial expression, which is my signal to go find someone else to talk to, because I would much rather them think I am wrong than try to convince them I am not. (I was one of the cool kids in college. You know, on the debate team. So, in those four years, I did enough arguing and persuading to cover the rest of my life.)

But since this is my blog and I get to say what I want and ignore comments, I'll be straightforward about what I think. Ultimately, co-slept kids are more independent and just better in a whole bunch of other ways. I really like how Mark frames the discussion.

As to logistics, I don't care how long it takes for Fin to wean away and sleep on his own. I don't care if he does it when he's a year, or when he's ten years.

However, I can't say with any degree of certainty whether my husband is okay with that last thing I wrote. I know, you're supposed to be on the same page or at least communicate about those things.

Well, the reason I don't know is only because he doesn't know. If you bring up the story about John, who sleeps on his couch while his two daughters (ages 5 and 8) sleep in his bed with his wife, Ryan will demand a transition plan for independent sleeping. But, if you tell him how Pete, the race car driver, has a ginormous half-room-sized sunken couch in his living room, where he sleeps nightly along with his wife, 13 year-old daughter, and 10 year-old son (with whom he often performs "Boats N Hoes" as a duet), he instantly becomes long-term co-sleeping's biggest advocate.

I'm not sure whether the above paragraph came across as real or not, but it is. John is a friend of a friend, and Pete is my in-laws' neighbor. And those were both Ryan's real reactions.

One of our favorite things to do as a married couple is to "table" issues. It's a great way to not have to deal with something. And, I know that sounds lazy, but you could run through a million hypotheticals and still be caught off guard by an unanticipated nuance. Or, you could just wait and see what happens, and then adjust on the fly. We're both good on the fly, so that's how we do.